Do you ever drive by my house just to see if the light in my room is on? Do you even think about me at all to justify something like that? I went to our old haunt with a new love and it reminded me of you. I still compare every guy to you, and I hate you for it, except I can't find it in myself to actually hate you because you never did anything to hurt me. But I hate the fact that you were so perfect that I I lost you to my own twisted mind. Last I heard you moved on and I'm sorry to say that I'm jealous of whoever she is. I took you for granted and didn't know what I had.
I don't want you to think that I'm unhappy; I'm not. I'm with someone new and this is the longest I've dated someone since you and I parted ways. I have feelings for him and I know they're true because I know that he can hurt me with just a simple word or gesture.
I've been hurt, too, so if you saw me today I wouldn't be the girl you used to know. I'm more reserved and skeptical. You used to tell me I was beautiful all the time and I believed you, but now I find it hard to believe anyone. I'm not as naive, but I'm just as unique.
Remember when you told me you've never met anyone like me before? I still get that from time to time. You're still the only one to have complimented me eyes---something you probably didn't know meant a lot to me.
Yes, I still think about us, but I know that you're probably not the same person I used to know. It's been a long, long, time. It'd be silly to think that we haven't changed.
This is all so silly, but I can't help it. You meant something to me and I don't think you ever really believed that.
I just wanted you to know.
Her breath was steady as she stared at me with her anxious eyes and said, "I'm ready."
"Are you sure? " I asked.
"Don't make me change my mind or else I will. Let's just...I mean, I want to."
"Here? I just want this to be---you know---special."
She leaned in closer and her lips made an oval around my upper lip. She kissed me gently at first, nervously. I kissed her back and reached over to hold her hand letting her know she'd be safe and that she had nothing to worry about. I was always there for her.
***
That wasn't the last time we made love in the backseat. I can remember every time. Every touch. Every soft moan she made and that look on her face. She loved me. Her scent, it's still there, permanently attached to the back seat. I've vacuumed and cleaned it dozens of times, but her scent is and will always be there. It haunts me like a reoccurring dream. I've had the car for seven long years. She was there when I bought it, and I wish to God she were here now. I just need to move on.
***
"I can't do this anymore" she started.
"What? You can't sit and watch a movie with me?" I questioned teasingly.
"I slept with someone." Silence. "I don't know why I did it. He was just there when you were out of town for a month and it just happened. I don't know why I did---"
"You slept with someone and you don't know why you did it?" My hands rolled into fists. "You don't just sleep with someone, there's always a reason. So what's yours?"
"I don't have one. I'm sorry! I don't know why---" She started crying then and even though I was mad I couldn't help but think she looked beautiful even with tears rolling down her face.
"It'll be okay..."
It wouldn't be.
***
"How much?"
"$7,000." I paused. " It works great and there aren't that many miles on it."
"Why are you selling it anyway?"
"I'm moving. You know, fresh start, new life, new things, new people..."
"Musta' had some memories in this car? You never forget your first."
"I'm trying."
I should write a story based on my own relationships and how after my breakups with guys not only do I break their hearts but I also leave them wide open to meet someone new in a matter of weeks.
You'd think---at least logically---that since I break up with them that I would be moving on. Like, I have prospects I want to check out---I never do. I've never broken up with anyone to see what else is out there. I've always broken up because something inside me was telling me that it was time to end things and not drag things on any longer. All of my exes ended up dating someone within a month of my breaking up with them, and although they might have not stayed in those relationships they are all dating someone now and seem happy (at least the ones I know of).
It's kind of weird how that worked out. A friend of mine said, "I think somewhere deep inside all girls are looking for their prince charming." I was worried for a while that I was running away from serious relationships, but it's obvious I was running away from the guys and not the prospect of a serious relationship. I'm jonesing to find the right person to have a long-term relationship with because I miss all that comes along with that. BUT---I'm not going to jump into anything either.
I tend to fall in lust very quickly at the beginning of any relationship and slowly as the lust wears of I see what's in front of me. I hate that and I know I need to remember to take things slow so I don't end up realizing that the person I'm with isn't the person I thought they were. It takes about three months to get to know someone well, and my last relationship fell burden to my realizing that I wasn't happy with the way the relationship was going. Despite the fact that I had a lot in common with the guy I was dating and was physically attracted to him, we didn't have a lot of the same views on life and relationships. I think it took him longer to figure that out.
Anywho, dating doesn't get easier as you grow older, does it? I think I'm more aware of what I want out of a relationship and I realize that I need to slow things down so I don't fall in lust too quickly and miss out on red flags and things of that nature.
He walked up to the door, rang the doorbell twice. The usual routine. He stepped inside and it all began.
"We need to talk."
"What about?"
"How could you possibly not know what about?"
"I don't go around assuming things, dear."
"I think you should sit down."
"I believe you think too much."
"You're choosing your words carefully."
"Are you saying I'm predictable? What does this have to do with anything?"
"It does and it doesn't."
"You want out, just say it!"
"Don't raise you voice at me..."
A pause from both of them. The clock ticks in the background.
"Why?"
"You know."
"Why?"
"I told you to keep your voice down."
"This is going nowhere, just tell me the truth."
"You know. I've told you so many times. You mustn't have been listening."
"You don't love me. You never started to; I know."
She walks over to the kitchen counter. She glances out the window.
"What else?"
"Nothing else."
"Save my number for a rainy day."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Pace quickens now to breaking point
I sprint to cross and - hear me out
I'm running up and still I tip over
Watch our fortune cross
You're always in my head
Always in my head
Always in my head
-----------------
I'll eventually finish this story. There's something missing that I can't quite pinpoint. It's either going to be incredibly cheesy or pretty decent. I'm hoping I can work through the kinks and make it decent.
I'd hate for it to read like something from Twilight. It's a good series, but it reads more like fan fiction. Cheesy teenage romance, for the lose.
Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
It never hits me until a few days after. If I try to force it, it doesn't work. It has to come on its own and it has to be as natural as possible. You feel fine, but at the same time you feel afraid. There's no safety net to catch you if you fall.
It's a scary thought even if it's only been a while. Even if it has only been a month or two or more. It's just there, this void that you know you created. On the one hand, you're relieved because deep down you followed your heart, but at the same time you want someone to--I don't know-- remind you that it'll be like it was before.
It's not always the same. It doesn't get easier, the steps just become clearer.
- Keep a few days distance: You distance yourself for a couple of days or a week by being busy with anything. You clean, you go out, you write, you drive. You gain emotional distance from the situation and hope that the other person will realize your distance and prepare. They hardly ever do.
- You make up your mind and get clear on your decision: You've been thinking about this for a while before now. You've weighed your pros and cons. Most likely you realized that something in the relationship isn't working and hasn't been working for quite some time no matter how hard you and your partner have tried fixing it.
- Be prepared, be clear: Know what you're going to say and be clear. It's the end and not, "We'll see."
- Closure: This is always the hardest for me to deal with. Their resistant and upset (totally within their right) and it's hard just to be firm andsay goodbye so they know it's over. They won't understand, and you can't make them understand. [This gets me every time. I always want to help them understand]
- No contact: You can't be friends right after a break up. I've tried and failed. There are always questions, there are always unresolved things that come up. Time heals, and time apart is essential after a break up.
The last step is hard. If you part on somewhat good terms there's always that part of you that wants to continue on as if nothing happened. Like, if you had a routine to call someone at night you want to pick up the phone and talk like nothing happened. Except it did. It hurts and you want that back. You want your safety net, but you have to be ready to trust yourself not to fall.
