Maybe it is the weather,
Maybe it is because it feels like Spring
Maybe because I am growing up
Maybe because I am over this
Maybe because I need to grow


But this is goodbye

Oh, to be 19 again. The angst.

"Nineteen"

I felt you in my legs
Before I even met you
And when I laid beside you
For the first time
I told you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(Call me)
I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)
Flew home,
Back to where we met
Stayed inside
I was so upset
Cooked up a plan,
So good except
I was all alone
You were all I had
Love you
You were all mine
Love me
I was yours right
I was yours right
I was nineteen
(call me)
I was nineteen
(call me)

So many feelings when I hear this song...

When you wake what is it that you think of most?
When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone?
If I imagine you, body next to another.

All around me new love and it makes me sad.
All around me feel assured that you'll be back,
If I imagine you, body next to another.

Stop crying to the ocean, stop crying over me.
Stop worrying over nothing, stop worrying over me.
So it's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.

On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing.
On the drive back there tears spilling over something.
When I imagine you, body next to another.

In the door and you're there and you're sorry for the fright. 
In the door, can I hear you saying you don't wanna fight?
When I imagine you, body next to another.

Stop crying to the ocean, stop crying over me.
Stop worrying over nothing, stop worrying over me.
So it's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.
It's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.

In a flash it's back to you, just brought attention to the mess.
In a flash you're on top begging me to understand.
If I imagine you, body next to another.

You drop in for a minute and I'm sorry that I didn't drop in sooner
just to see you and see what you've been doin'.
If I imagine you, body next to another.

So it's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.
It's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.

It's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.
It's been so long since you said,
Well I know what I want and what I want's right here with you.

Rough draft-- outline

I could not stand to look at him the entire car ride over. I had half a mind to walk over instead, but I didn't want to have to explain why I was choosing to walk rather than sit in a car with him for twenty minutes.

When we got there I made sure not to sit too close to him. We never sit close when we're here, but I made it a point to sit further---to actually be distant. Once the crowd stood the organ began to play and the choir began to sing. He opened his mouth to sing and I realized it had been two years since I remember hearing him sing anything. I'd forgotten that he had a beautiful voice that I loved to listen to.

Before we got involved he used to sing to....

Dear Boy # 6

You're nothing like what I wanted, and for all we know, you're not the last. Regardless, you're in my life now and despite the fact that you grate on my nerves every once in a while, you're still around. It will be a whole year of knowing each other soon and even though I often times wonder why I deal with some of your silliness, I never once thought about my life without you. Right now, it actually pains me to think of my life without you. Things aren't perfect, and I think I always expected things to be. We all have our own illusions.

You make me wonder if this is how love is supposed to be. You make me wonder if you're "The One" and there has only been one other person who has made me feel that way.

It's funny because thinking back at my past relationship, it was around this point in the relationship when I felt like the honeymoon was over. He also started to say and do things that were no longer, "cute" but irritating. And with all of his redeeming qualities, things didn't last. In the end, I  just fell out of love with who he was. I'm still kicking myself for that---but don't take that the wrong way. I'm ashamed of how I acted then and he was really an amazing guy, but the bottom line is I fell out of love and nothing could change that. I was ready to move on.

I know you worry about us and about me hurting you. I have a past of doing that to a lot of guys. I poke fun at it and I know it hurts you, so I'll stop. You know I love you and would never leave you without a good reason. I try to tell you as often as I can that I'm happy with US. I really am and I hope that what we have continues to grow into something that we know is true. And if time decides that our relationship has run it's course I hope that we can end things on a good note with no hard feelings. I hope that what we talked about that one night ends up happening and I have this feeling that with a little work and effort we can make it that far.

Love Always.

Dear Boy # 5

There are times that I think about you and just how closely you resembled my father. You were incredibly impatient, and instead of acknowledging that from the get-go I decided to brush it aside. As our relationship progress I continuously detached from you day-by-day.

You made me feel like a worthless person at times. I constantly question myself now and I probably pick fights where I shouldn't. It's funny how in just a few months you changed me to someone I don't really like. I'm slowly changing that about myself because I'm with someone better. Someone who I know, regardless of what happens, wouldn't say the things you said to me when we broke up. They weren't hurtful because I knew better than to take you seriously, but they were nasty things that no one---even the unfaithful---should utter.

I hope you're happy in your new life and hopefully you're with a new person now, too. I hope you came to realize that we were never right for each other.

Dear boy #4;

Do you ever drive by my house just to see if the light in my room is on? Do you even think about me at all to justify something like that? I went to our old haunt with a new love and it reminded me of you. I still compare every guy to you, and I hate you for it, except I can't find it in myself to actually hate you because you never did anything to hurt me. But I hate the fact that you were so perfect that I I lost you to my own twisted mind. Last I heard you moved on and I'm sorry to say that I'm jealous of whoever she is. I took you for granted and didn't know what I had.

I don't want you to think that I'm unhappy; I'm not. I'm with someone new and this is the longest I've dated someone since you and I parted ways. I have feelings for him and I know they're true because I know that he can hurt me with just a simple word or gesture. 

I've been hurt, too, so if you saw me today I wouldn't be the girl you used to know. I'm more reserved and skeptical. You used to tell me I was beautiful all the time and I believed you, but now I find it hard to believe anyone. I'm not as naive, but I'm just as unique.

Remember when you told me you've never met anyone like me before? I still get that from time to time. You're still the only one to have complimented me eyes---something you probably didn't know meant a lot to me.

Yes, I still think about us, but I know that you're probably not the same person I used to know. It's been a long, long, time. It'd be silly to think that we haven't changed.

This is all so silly, but I can't help it. You meant something to me and I don't think you ever really believed that.


I just wanted you to know.

Short-short July 2009

Her breath was steady as she stared at me with her anxious eyes and said, "I'm ready."

"Are you sure? " I asked.

"Don't make me change my mind or else I will. Let's just...I mean, I want to."

"Here? I just want this to be---you know---special."

She leaned in closer and her lips made an oval around my upper lip. She kissed me gently at first, nervously. I kissed her back and reached over to hold her hand letting her know she'd be safe and that she had nothing to worry about. I was always there for her.

***

That wasn't the last time we made love in the backseat. I can remember every time. Every touch. Every soft moan she made and that look on her face. She loved me. Her scent, it's still there, permanently attached to the back seat. I've vacuumed and cleaned it dozens of times, but her scent is and will always be there. It haunts me like a reoccurring dream. I've had the car for seven long years. She was there when I bought it, and I wish to God she were here now. I just need to move on.

***
"I can't do this anymore" she started.

"What? You can't sit and watch a movie with me?" I questioned teasingly.

"I slept with someone." Silence. "I don't know why I did it. He was just there when you were out of town for a month and it just happened. I don't know why I did---"

"You slept with someone and you don't know why you did it?" My hands rolled into fists. "You don't just sleep with someone, there's always a reason. So what's yours?"

"I don't have one. I'm sorry! I don't know why---" She started crying then and even though I was mad I couldn't help but think she looked beautiful even with tears rolling down her face.

"It'll be okay..."

It wouldn't be.

***
"How much?"

"$7,000." I paused. " It works great and there aren't that many miles on it."

"Why are you selling it anyway?"

"I'm moving. You know, fresh start, new life, new things, new people..."

"Musta' had some memories in this car? You never forget your first."

"I'm trying."

I should write a story based on my own relationships and how after my breakups with guys not only do I break their hearts but I also leave them wide open to meet someone new in a matter of weeks.

You'd think---at least logically---that since I break up with them that I would be moving on. Like, I have prospects I want to check out---I never do. I've never broken up with anyone to see what else is out there. I've always broken up because something inside me was telling me that it was time to end things and not drag things on any longer. All of my exes ended up dating someone within a month of my breaking up with them, and although they might have not stayed in those relationships they are all dating someone now and seem happy (at least the ones I know of).

It's kind of weird how that worked out. A friend of mine said, "I think somewhere deep inside all girls are looking for their prince charming." I was worried for a while that I was running away from serious relationships, but it's obvious I was running away from the guys and not the prospect of a serious relationship. I'm jonesing to find the right person to have a long-term relationship with because I miss all that comes along with that. BUT---I'm not going to jump into anything either.

I tend to fall in lust very quickly at the beginning of any relationship and slowly as the lust wears of I see what's in front of me. I hate that and I know I need to remember to take things slow so I don't end up realizing that the person I'm with isn't the person I thought they were. It takes about three months to get to know someone well, and my last relationship fell burden to my realizing that I wasn't happy with the way the relationship was going. Despite the fact that I had a lot in common with the guy I was dating and was physically attracted to him, we didn't have a lot of the same views on life and relationships. I think it took him longer to figure that out.

Anywho, dating doesn't get easier as you grow older, does it? I think I'm more aware of what I want out of a relationship and I realize that I need to slow things down so I don't fall in lust too quickly and miss out on red flags and things of that nature.